*Disclaimer: The following content will be offensive to some and repulsive to the rest. Vulgar language, violent themes and ridiculous rhetoric follows. This content is disturbing and it’s highly advised you do not continue reading if you’re soft and easily offended. This is not for the faint of heart. You’ve been warned, so now if you don’t like it you can go fuck yourself.
Freedom Of Thought
A demon grows inside, an angel fights for life.
I’ve been very picky with what I write and share due to the fear of reprisal from an audience I don’t even have. This is now changing. I’m no longer ashamed of my thoughts and ok having my name associated with them.
If I’m to be completely honest with my writing, I’ll scare most everyone with the prospect of what people you walk amongst. On the daily I find myself filtering my thoughts, refining my words and diluting my responses.
I smile as a means to survive.
There are a select few in my life that know the real me. Those who understand the controlled chaos that clamors silently between my ears. A constant battle of refrain and acceptance of the world at large.
This in no way is a request for sympathy or a call for help. Keep it to yourself. If anything this is me climbing from my shell. Emerging from under the rock which I’ve been living for all too long.
Recently someone said it was ridiculous I have to use the memory of families I met in a war zone as reasoning why I should be happy, regardless of my situation.
They’re suggesting the families had it so bad and me using that for mindset adjustment says a lot about my own life and experiences. Maybe there’s some truth to this, but I don’t believe I’m an exception. They’re just lucky.
That’s why I’ve decided to share.
Today I discuss a predominantly involuntarily violent childhood, some volunteer violence in the military and the potential for dark thoughts to consume internal rhetoric.
If you’ve been wondering if you should stop reading, now is the time.
Arrogance is a trait I despise. I see the smug looks on the faces of these un-empathetic piles of waste and wish I could relish in their distant stare as the air seeps from their lungs.
Whenever I meet someone that’s trying to use me for their own personal gain I have to resist the urge to gouge their eyes from their skull, sweep their feet from under them and stomp the back of their head as they gently rest their teeth on the curb.
As I write this I consider how high my dose of lithium would be if prescribed and whether it should be a consideration or if this is just me venting. I prefer the latter of the two options.
However, I don’t believe I’m alone. I cant imagine the movie Falling Down having success in the box office if I was.
In fact I see a future where accountability becomes what people truly fear. A time when people check their actions against empathy as a means for survival.
Are we starting to see the beginning of vigilante accountability being doled out to the masses? School shootings where bullies are held to the coldest level of accountability? General populations being targeted because of their supreme and widespread ignorance?
Imagine what a world would be like if the first thought through an arrogant un-empathetic perpetrators mind was whether the person they were treating like garbage would pull out a gun. Releasing a barrage of hot lead turning them into a human colander.
How likely would they be to still treat others like shit?
This is crazy talk, moving on.
Nature or Nurture
It’s tough to say whether I’m a case of nature or nurture in terms of a propensity toward violence. I was introduced to it at a very young age.
My biological father, that guy. He was one of the types that cared so much for his family he would throw his wife down the stairs. Or smash his sons head against a wall for whatever reason he deemed fit.
I periodically wonder what emotion I’ll have when I finally learn of his death. To date there isn’t a lot of feeling involved. He managed to escape his position in the family with nothing but a memory of what could have been.
What I learned from him is everything I don’t want to be as a father. Forgiveness is an interesting thing, especially when it’s un-deserved. Yet, forgive and forget right?
Mindset, it’s one of those things. You can allow it to go many directions and if you choose to focus on the negative and use it as an excuse, it’s easy to be consumed by the darkness.
Fighting in school was the norm. Fighting on the playground could get bloody.
It seems poverty and being the new kid go hand in hand as a perfect combination to make you the target of violent assaults and bullying.
To survive you learn quickly how to avoid these beatings or at least defend yourself.
I have a very fond memory of when I was around 8 or 9 years old and split a kids head wide open with a big rock. We thought it was a good idea to have a rock fight, I won.
I remember thinking about how much blood was squirting from his head. A crimson waterfall pouring over the terrified eyes of a kid non the wiser. He stood there holding his head as it pooled around him and soaked his clothing.
I just watched. Then my mom screamed from across the road and came running to help this kid. I continued to stare in amazement all the while knowing I had made a huge mistake. I got caught.
Probably a bad idea to fight on the playground when you live across the street.
I had an oddly neutral feeling about the entire experience. We both decided it was in our cards to fight that day and bloodshed was the end result. I was punished for my actions and I came to understand the severity of circumstances.
However, at the time there was confusion how it was acceptable for this behavior in the house from a father and yet not on the playground. It’s interesting how life presents you with these anomalies.
Thinking back now, it’s unnerving to consider what might have happened to me had that series of events taken place in todays pathetically weak social environment.
So many peoples feelings are being hurt, I can’t imagine what would happen if their skull was split open.
The thought of that fateful day on the playground is oddly reminiscent to the time I spent in the military. I volunteered to fight and bloodshed is one of the results of fighting.
I remember the first time I passed another team that had been hit by an Improvised Explosive Devise (IED). Otherwise known as a big fucking bomb for those of you who haven’t read the news in the last 15 years.
We stopped to ask if we could help. Only to see the blank stares on the faces of numerous camouflaged militants holding onto despair as they shook their heads side to side.
The loss was smeared across their faces, unavoidable. The sorrow was palatable and thick with rage, understandably so.
One of the service members killed was a female. I guess the insurgents ensured a certain amount of equality in their attack.
Lives were lost that day and pieces of them lay across the road. It was the past and all that was left was for us to drive on. That’s literally what we had to do.
Drive over the remains that were left on the road. The bodies that were blown into little pieces and out of their vehicle. The ones that were too small to collect and place in the 5 gallon buckets to bring home to the families.
Mind fuck ensued. Being I was a gunner I got a first hand look at what a high explosive does to human bodies. What a high explosive would do to my body. Welcome to the sand box buddy.
It was eerily simple to accept. Yet the smell of burnt metal, raw sewage and diesel fuel will never escape me.
In a way we were the kid on the playground that day who had blood pouring from our head. We volunteered to fight, but damn it we weren’t supposed to be the ones leaking from our head.
Eye For An Eye
I wanted to find those responsible. I wanted to watch them die, slowly.
A year later, on my second tour, I got a first hand experience of what it would look like watching a captured enemy combatant die slowly. A team close to us had an IED strike on a vehicle and narrowly avoided a loss of their own.
A day after this happened those who placed the IED were apprehended and brought into the base for “questioning”. I watched as a uniformed interrogator with no insignia, rank or country patches let a grown man slowly suffocate under his own weight.
The tactic is simple. You hog-tie the person with their arms and legs behind them. Then lay them on their chest and don’t allow them to roll to their side. Over time fatigue sets in and the weight of their own body begins to crush their lungs and slowly suffocate them.
Watching as the person responsible for the IED gasped for air and pleaded was a significant moment in my young life. I was 24 at the time and remember wondering what my friends were doing back home just out of college.
It was then I had a firm realization of the potential all humans have to allow darkness to win.
I smiled as the door closed to that cold dark cell after being told it was time to go by the unknown and faceless interrogator. Evil has a way of finding its way in. No idea what happened to the man on the floor, but I like to think he divulged the information being requested.
I have respect for the enemy combatants ingenuity to defeat a heavily trained and armed foe like ourselves. Truth is I’d like to break bread at the same table with those who were fighting us and learn about their mindset, culture and way of life.
However, at the same time I appreciated their ingenuity, I enjoyed the thought of them slowly losing grip of their life and suffering as it happened. War changes people, some more than others.
I don’t believe the uniformed militant performing the interrogation would have allowed the man on the floor to fully suffocate and pass on. I can only imagine he was worth more alive then dead, but by the time that thought passed through my mind I was half way through my lunch.
I created Tasty Dangerous as a way to hold my thoughts and actions accountable. It’s by and large meant to be focused on mindset development and todays blog is no different.
There are a lot of thoughts that can come into our heads. These are thoughts that develop due to experiences in our lives, but our actions determine what we do with those thoughts.
The only thing that separates people like me from psychopaths is the power of choice, the fact we have empathy and can feel remorse. I’m sure there’s more, but who’s counting?
Thoughts become beliefs and beliefs become actions. Crazy thoughts can happen, but being self aware and eliminating these thoughts as they arise is necessary to developing a truly positive mindset.
Quit that stinkin’ thinkin’.
The Struggle Is Real
The following are just a few of the things I struggle with and how I’ve managed to avoid letting these thoughts gain a foothold.
Finding sympathy for people that complain about pretty much anything. I see so many weak and useless people I have to resist the prayer for a plague to wipe out our species. Complaining accomplishes nothing and wastes the time spent and oxygen of others. Get off your ass and make a change.
• Empathy for others goes a long way. Some people will always complain and never do anything about it, but some are temporarily in tough positions. Understand this.
News anchors and hosts that talk over their guests and take dialogue out of context to push their agenda. Hosts that use their power position to intimidate those who go on their show are the lowest form of life. It would be great if World Star incidents occurred regularly and wide spread on these personnel.
• Understand some people are narrow minded trolls. Focus on your goals and what you’re trying to accomplish. Don’t get caught up in things you can’t change.
People unwilling to acknowledge both sides of an argument. I see a society that is so polarized there is no longer compromise. Only different sides to an argument where people refuse to accept anything but their own narrow point of view.
Many adults are now communicating like children and it’s disgusting to think they can’t even acknowledge there are and will always be some truths to both sides of an argument.
• Ignorance is bliss and many choose to succumb to this way of life. Choose your circle wisely and seek out others that are open minded and capable of understanding different perspectives. Communication doesn’t always have to be a debate.
People who cut in lines, any lines. These people show zero respect for all those they cut in front of. When this happens I have a very deep rage that begins to burn as I start scanning for chairs I can break a leg off. I then find myself daydreaming of using that chair leg to inflict blunt force trauma to the head of whoever it was that cut in the line.
• This is bad. Breathe. Stop the thought immediatley. No violent daydreaming. These people will always exist and are put on earth to tempt people like me to do something really stupid. Enough said.
I would say I don’t care anymore and have lost total faith in humanity, but that would be a lie. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t be writing any of this. I wouldn’t be spending any time on the thoughts about what pains me in society.
It’s interesting to imagine how the majority of people would respond if they had to drive over chunks of human remains or go to school the day after watching their father violently assault someone in their family.
Smile, you must have a case of the Mondays.
I can’t imagine the world would be worse off if people truly realized just how bad it can get. Especially if more people had a bit of empathy and a shred of understanding and dignity.
Or maybe that’s why it is the way it is. Hold your own get your own.
Out of sight out of mind.
But alas, this is life. We are but a speck in a universe of misunderstood truths. In the big picture a flash is all it will take to write our history as a species and in the same instance erase our memory forever.
How we choose to live every day is all we can do in our own little world.
Darkness falls, but for a few the light still shines. Life happens, for better or worse. What matters is how we choose to respond to the stimulus.
Evil begets evil, though it doesn’t have to be the case.
Todays blog was an exercise in free writing about stuff that may be subjectively best left unsaid. The darkness that lurks within.
Although I try to promote a positive mindset, I would be a complete fraud if I tried to make everyone believe I was always a ray of sunshine.
I’m trying to achieve a brighter mindset. The idea of reducing the jaded views that cloud my thoughts is a concerted daily effort. Tasty Dangerous is a tool I’m using to accomplish this.
However, these bits of darkness may slip through my keyboard from time to time. I’ve decided it’s a necessary piece of the puzzle, at least for the time being. As such I will allow myself these brief reprieves from rainbows and unicorns.
Ok, now back to assuming positive intent and practicing patience. 🙂
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